BACK WITNESS 5'2m0f A false witness against Jesus PROSECUTOR -- (shouts) Bring in the next witness. (clink, clank, door hinges squeak) WITNESS ----- (Brooklyn accent, afar) Hey, hey, hey, I'm a witness here! I'm a witness here! (approaching) Imagine that guy accusing me of stealing an ash tray from the hallway. (door hinges squeak, door close) (shouts) I'm a respectable witness for the Sanhedrin, fella. (near) Who does he think he is? PROSECUTOR -- Right over here, sir. WITNESS ----- Is this where the witnesses sit? PROSECUTOR -- Yes, this is the witness stand. WITNESS ----- Good. Cuz I'm a witness for the Sanhedrin. Imagine that jerk accusing me of stealing an ash tray from the hallway. PROSECUTOR -- Oh, don't sit down yet. We have to swear you in. WITNESS ----- Oh. Sorry. PROSECUTOR -- Raise your right hand. WITNESS ----- Yeah, sure. (ash tray clink clank) Well, what do you know. What do you suppose that is? PROSECUTOR -- It would appear to be an ash tray. WITNESS ----- I don't know nothin' about that! It musta stuck to my robe or somethin'. Yeah, that's it. The ash tray stuck to my robe while I waiting out in the hallway. PROSECUTOR -- (clears throat) Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? WITNESS ----- (pause) You mean about the ash tray? I already explained that... PROSECUTOR -- (irritated) We're talking about the accused. WITNESS ----- Oh. Yeah. I knew that. Yeah, sure. I'll tell the truth. Why not? PROSECUTOR -- Be seated. WITNESS ----- Okay. What do you wanna know? PROSECUTOR -- Do you know the accused? WITNESS ----- The accused? PROSECUTOR -- (irritated) The accused. That person over there. WITNESS ----- Oh, that guy over there? Yeah, he looks kinda familiar. PROSECUTOR -- (clears throat) It has been said that you know him very well. WITNESS ----- Oh! Yeah! I know him real good. That's, ah. That's, ah. Help me out here. PROSECUTOR -- So, you know Jesus of Nazareth? WITNESS ----- Oh, yeah. Jesus of Nazareth, that's him. I know Jesus of Nazareth real good. All his friend, of whom I am one, call him Naz. (pause) PROSECUTOR -- And? WITNESS ----- And what? PROSECUTOR -- And do you have an accusation against Jesus of Nazareth? WITNESS ----- Oh, sure. (pause) So, ah, when do I get my money? PROSECUTOR -- Can you be a little more specific? WITNESS ----- Specific? Yeah, I believe the specific amount was five skeletal. PROSECUTOR -- What I meant was, can you be mor specific about the accusation against the accused? Can you tell the Sanhedrin if Jesus said anything about destroying the temple? WITNESS ----- Oh! Yeah, he said that. So, ah, when do I get my money? PROSECUTOR -- Did the accused ever say that he would destroy the temple and rebuild it? WITNESS ----- The accused. Oh, you mean that Jesus guy? Yeah, he said that he'd, ah tear down the temple and, ah, rebuild it in a two days. PROSECUTOR -- Three. WITNESS ----- They said you'd pay me five. PROSECUTOR -- (irritated) I'm not talking about that! (laughs nervously) Didn't the accused tell you he'd destroy the temple and rebuild in THREE days? Didn't he say that exactly? WITNESS ----- Oh! Yeah! Yeah, that's exactly what he said. PROSECUTOR -- Thank you. You're dismissed. WITNESS ----- (clears throat) PROSECUTOR -- Did you have another accusation against the accused? WITNESS ----- No. PROSECUTOR -- Then, you're dismissed. WITNESS ----- (softly) There was just a matter of five shekels? PROSECUTOR -- I have no idea what you could be talking about. Perhaps the person to see about money would be out in the hallway. WITNESS ----- You mean the guy who accused me of stealing the ash tray is the guy who's gonna give me my five shekels? PROSECUTOR -- Why don't you just clear that up with him? (ash tray picked up) WITNESS ----- Yeah, I'll do that. I'll just hold onto this ash tray as collateral until I get my dough. (footsteps) (afar) Hey, fella, haven't I seen you before? PROSECUTOR -- Would the witness please exit the hearing room? WITNESS ----- (afar) Yeah, sure. But I think I seen this guy before. The accused here. PROSECUTOR -- Yes, so you said on the witness stand. Now, will you please exit the hearing room before you embarrass us all? WITNESS ----- (afar) Yeah! Now I know where I seen you. You're the guy who drove me and the other sacrifice sellers out of the temple courts. You called us thieves and robbers. You gonna take that back or am I gonna have to get rough with you? PROSECUTOR -- Bailiff, please escort the witness out of the court room. WITNESS ----- (afar) Hey, hey. I'm a witness here! (latch door open, hinges squeak, door close) PROSECUTOR -- The Sanhedrin will now adjourn to deliberate the guilt or innocence of Jesus of Nazareth. We will be back in a minute with the death penalty. (gavel) ©2001 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.fea.net/bobsnook email: bobsnook@fea.net BACK |