BACK BAPTIST 5'3m0f John the Baptist almost fails to baptize Jesus COP --- (pointing gun offstage) Alright, you in the river, freeze, scum bag! JOHN -- (from offstage) Are you talking to me? COP --- Let that man go and put your hands in the air, you hairball. JOHN -- (from offstage) But, officer, I... COP --- Listen, scum bag, this is a 357 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. It could blow your head clean off. Now what you gotta ask yourself is do you feel lucky? JOHN -- (enters, hands raised) Don't shoot. My hands are up, see? COP --- Now, turn around, nice and slow, and put put hands behind your head. JOHN -- But, officer, I... COP --- Go ahead, make my day. JOHN -- (turns, hands behind head) I'm turning, I'm turning. Just like you said, see? COP --- (puts on hand cuffs) Alright, scum bucket, you're under arrest for attempted murder. JOHN -- Attempted murder?! Who was I trying to kill? COP --- Come on, hair ball, there must be 500 people here saw you trying to drown that poor guy in the river there. JOHN -- I wasn't trying to drown him. I was baptizing him. COP --- Save it for the judge, dirt ball. (pulls out book, writes) Just help me fill out this form, then we'll haul you off to jail where you can cool off. Name? JOHN -- My name is John. COP --- Last name? JOHN -- I don't have a last name. The people call me John the Baptist. COP --- Oh! You go by a handle, eh? Well, I know your type. You're a drug dealer. (frisks John) I'll just pat you down and see if you're carrying. Alright, scum bag, where did you stash the drugs? JOHN -- Drugs? I don't have any drugs. I don't even drink wine. COP --- You are the worst possible predator on humanity. You pedal your poison and live off the misery of others. You make me puke. (writes) No last name. Charges: attempted murder, suspicion of drug dealing. Make it easy on yourself, fella. Tell me where you stashed your drugs and I'll put in a good for you with the D.A. JOHN -- I told you, I don't have any drugs. COP --- Then why are all these people standing in line? And don't tell me that they were waiting patiently so you could try to drown them too. JOHN -- I told you. I wasn't trying to drown him. I was baptizing him. And they all came to be baptized too. COP --- Right. And if I believe that I'll bet you've got some swamp land in Florida you'd like to sell me, heh. Alright, what's your address? JOHN -- My address? COP --- Yes, where do you live? JOHN -- I live in the desert. COP --- This just gets better and better. Listen, scum ball, I've had a long day. Just tell me your address. JOHN -- I told you. I live in the desert. COP --- Alright. Have it your way. I try to be a nice guy. Charges: Attempted murder, suspicion of drug dealing AND vagrancy. Occupation? And don't tell me you're a baptist. JOHN -- Well, I'm a prophet, too. COP --- Profit? See? I knew you were in it for the money. JOHN -- Not that profit. I'm a prophet. I foretell the future. COP --- Oh, that scam, eh? Let's see here, attempted murder, suspicion of drug dealing, vagrancy AND fortune telling fraud. JOHN -- I'm not a fortune tell... COP --- So, how much are these poor dupes paying you to tell their fortune? JOHN -- They don't pay me anything, officer. COP --- Where did you stash the money? JOHN -- I don't have any money because I don't charge anything. I don't need any money. I live off the land in the desert. COP --- Right. And if I believe that I'll bet you've got this bridge for sale at a bargain basement price. So, if you don't have any money, how do you eat? JOHN -- I eat wild honey and locusts. COP --- Alright, scum bag, you're history. I'm telling the D.A. to throw the book at you. JOHN -- I'm sorry if it's hard for you to believe, officer, but that's how I live. COP --- Recommendations: Complete psychiatric exam. So, what were you and the other guy fighting about. JOHN -- We weren't fighting. I told you, I was baptizing him. COP --- Oh, I got it. Fighting over drug territories, eh? What's the name of the victim. JOHN -- Victim? Oh, you mean my cousin. That's Jesus of Nazareth. COP --- His occupation. JOHN -- He's the Messiah. COP --- I don't want his handle. I need his occupation. JOHN -- Well, he WAS a carpenter, but he's now a full time messiah. COP --- And what does a messiah do? JOHN -- He is God incarnate. COP --- Don't get smart with me, scum bag, or I'd drop you like a bad habit. GOD --- (deep booming voiceover with echos) This is my son in whom I am well pleased. (the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings the Hallelujah Chorus) JOHN -- Now do you believe me, officer? (pause) Officer? Officer? COP --- (stunned) Huh? JOHN -- Do you believe me now? COP --- Believe what? JOHN -- Do you believe that I'm a prophet and that Jesus is God incarnate? (pause) Are you alright, officer? COP --- Huh? JOHN -- Are you alright? COP --- Ah, yeah. (takes off hand cuffs) You're free to go. JOHN -- So, you DO believe me? COP --- Huh? Not on your life, scum bucket. But if I arrest you, my report has to include that... that... whatever that was. JOHN -- That was the descending of the Holy Spirit. COP --- Whatever it was... I'd have to include it in my report. I'll be filling out reports for a week and it would be me going in for a psychiatric exam. Me, I've got bigger fish to fry... like that guy in the chariot there. (points)Hey, fella... (pulls gun, exits) you in the chariot! That was an illegal left turn, pull over. ©2007 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.fea.net/bobsnook email: bobsnook@fea.net BACK |