BACK MAFIA 8'3m0f The Sanhedrin before and after the crucifixion (Three speaking hoodlums and an unspecified number of non-speaking hoodlums enter, sit at conference table) BOSS --- Alright, dis meetin' of the Sanhedrin will come to orda. Hey, all you priests and Pharisees, listen up. BENNIE - Sure, boss. BOSS --- Owa first order a business is owa financial report from Vinnie da Weasel. Vinnie? VINNIE - Tanks, Boss. Owa books show record earnin's from throwing poor widows and orphans outa der homes and sellin' der property. We also show a definite uptick from our new reinvestment strategy. BENNIE - What's he talkin' about, boss? BOSS --- Tell 'em, Vinnie. VINNIE - Bennie, you was not here at the last meetin' of da Sanhedrin when we decided to take the money that we would normally use to support owa aging muddas an' faddas and invest it elsewhere. BENNIE - You mean, we ain't supportin' owa poor muddas an' faddas no more? You mean day may hafta beg for money in da streets and at da temple gates? VINNIE - Dat is correct. BENNIE - What a marvelous idea! Where was I when yous made dis decision? VINNIE - You was out of town trying to organize the rank and file Jews to stone Jesus to death. BENNIE - Oh, yeah, sorry he slipped tru my fingas. BOSS --- And now we will cover new business. The chair recognizes Bennie da tooth. BENNIE - Boss, I would appreciate it if you would stop callin' me Bennie the tooth. BOSS --- What else do you call a guy with only one tooth? BENNIE - Whateva. I would like to report on the earnin's from owa newest scam. BOSS --- Oh, you mean the fasting in public? BENNIE - Yeah, da fastin', that's it. We got Pharisees hangin' out on all da street corners and public squares lookin' hungry and prayin' out loud. They attract large crowds and... BOSS --- Skip da details. What's da bottom line? BENNIE - I am almost ashamed to announce that the suckers are buying da scam in record numbas. The fastin' Pharisees took in 253 talents and 22 drachmas yesterday alone (chuckles) for da homeless widows and orphans fund (chuckles) BOSS --- Yeah, for da poor widows and orphans. right (all laugh) BENNIE - Deez early results is so encouragin' that we are now makin' plans to roll out the public fastin' scam nation wide. I tank yous for your kind attention. Boss? BOSS --- Owa next order a business is temple operations. Again, we'll hear from Vinnie da weasel. VINNIE - It is with a heavy heart that I report on temple operations, Boss. BOSS --- Save da editorial comments for later. What's today's take from da temple? VINNIE - Dats just it, Boss. We git nothin', zero, zip, nada! BOSS --- It's dat Jesus punk again, ain't it? VINNIE - Dat is correct. Dis mornin' he came into da temple and drove out all da money changes and sacrifice sellas. He says to dem, he says, "You have made my faddas house a den off thieves." BENNIE - (stands) Hey, I resemble dat remark. We're legit. We ain't no thieves. Who does he tink he is, anyways? Why, dat, lousy... BOSS --- Sit down, Benny. I'll handle dis. We are respectable religious leaders. BENNIE - Yeah, but, Boss, we can't let dis guy take over owa turf. BOSS --- I said, I'll handle dis. We got us a stool pigeon inside his organization, who is at dis moment schmoozin' with dis punk. By tomorrow mornin' Jesus will be hung out to dry, all nice an' legal. Den owa temple operations can return to normal. VINNIE - Whata you got in mind, Boss? Whata you gonna do? BOSS --- (chuckles) WE don't DO nothin'. (chuckles) We let the Romans do da dirty work. All we have to do is come up with a few eye witnesses, if you catch my drift. (all laugh) VINNIE - You mean a frame up, Boss? BOSS --- Vinnie! We're da Sanhedrin. We would neva do dat. Would we fellas? BENNIE - Nah, we're da goodfellas. (all laugh) BOSS --- Alright, dis meetin' in adjourned and will reconvene at Omar's Bar and Grill. I'm buyin'. (all rise, move to exit) VINNIE - But, suppose sompum goes wrong, Boss? BOSS --- Well, lemme ask you dis, Vinnie. Once day nail him to da cross and put a spear into his heart, what's he gonna do, raise from da dead? BENNIE - (laughs) Raise from the dead. That's a good one boss. (all laugh and exit) ACT 2 (all enter, not smiling, sit) BOSS --- Alright, dis meetin' of the Sanhedrin will come to orda. Hey, all yous priests and Pharisees, listen up. BENNIE - Sure, boss. BOSS --- Owa first order a business is owa financial report from Vinnie da weasel. Vinnie? VINNIE - Tanks, boss. It is with deep remorse that I report a rather significant drop in earnings from all da scams in our organization. BENNIE - Hey, wait a minute. The guy who was turning over the tables of the money changers and sacrifice sellers, didn't we bump him off? He was the messiah, right? BOSS --- That is ALLEGED messiah, Bennie. BENNIE - Sorry, boss. But I thought we bumped him off, didn't we? BOSS --- I was under the same impression, Vinnie. Did we punch the wrong ticket? VINNIE - Oh, we got the right man, alright, Boss. It was Jesus of Nazareth hanging on the cross alright. I seen him with my own eyes. I even had the guard run a spear through his heart before he took him down to bury him. BOSS --- Well, then how do you explain the continued drop in earnings from our operations? BENNIE - Yeah, if he was the guy who overturned the tables of the money changers and sacrifice sellers, how come we ain't back to normal again? BOSS --- I'll ask the questions around here, meat head. BENNIE - Sorry, boss. BOSS --- Okay, if he was the guy who overturned the tables of the money changers and sacrifice sellers, how come we ain't back to normal again? BENNIE - Good question, boss. BOSS --- Thank you, Bennie. VINNIE - Word is this Jesus guy raised from the dead. BENNIE - (Laughs hysterically) Raised from the dead! That's a good one, eh, boss? Raised from the dead. (laughs until interrupted) BOSS --- Put a sock in it, Bennie. BENNIE - Yeah, sure, boss. It wasn't that funny, anyways. BOSS --- No, it wasn't. I had to personally engineer a cover-up when his body disappeared from the tomb. BENNIE - You mean he did raise from the dead? BOSS --- Button your lip. Nobody is supposed to know. VINNIE - We was gonna to whack everybody what saw Jesus after the resurrection. But we found out that Jesus appeared to more than 500 people after the resurrection. BOSS --- That's ALLEGED resurrection, meat head. VINNIE - Sorry, boss. BOSS --- Resurrection or not, he should no longer be an influence on the earnings of this here organization. BENNIE - Why not, Boss? Did somebody punch his ticket again? VINNIE - You been hiding under a rock, Bennie? Jesus ascended into heaven. BOSS --- He ALLEGEDLY ascended into heaven, meat head. VINNIE - Sorry, boss. BENNIE - Holy smokes! Where was I when all dis happened? BOSS --- I sent you down to Jericho to stir up some civil unrest as a diversion, so as nobody would pay much attention to the ALLEGED messiah ALLEGEDLY raising from the dead. BENNIE - Oh, yeah, I ain't had so much fun stirring up a riot for a long time. BOSS --- What I don't understand is why, after Jesus disappears into the clouds, we are still suffering financially as if he were still on earth. BENNIE - Yeah, so, who is overturning the tables of the money changers and sacrifice sellers? VINNIE - Oh, nobody is doing nothing like that. BENNIE - Then what's going on here? BOSS --- I'll ask the questions here, meat heat. BENNIE - Sorry, boss. BOSS --- Then what's going on here? VINNIE - People just aren't sacrificing anymore, boss. They say that Jesus was the sacrifice for their sins and so no other sacrifice is necessary. BENNIE - We can't let them get away with that can we, boss? BOSS --- What about our other scams? What about the collections for the widows and orphans out on the street corners? VINNIE - The disciples of Jesus are selling their property and sharing with the poor directly. People with extra space in their homes are inviting widows and orphans to live with them. The homeless ain't homeless no more. BENNIE - We can't let them get away with that can we, boss? BOSS --- What about our scam called "prayers for healing". That was always a money maker. VINNIE - The apostles is all healing everybody they touch. BENNIE - We can't let them get away with that can we, boss? BOSS --- Put a sock in it, Bennie. BENNIE - Sorry, boss. BOSS --- We can't let them get away with that. Let's have the apostles arrested. VINNIE - We just arrested Peter and John after they healed a lame beggar. They spent the night in jail. But we couldn't charge them with nothing. There's no law against healing lame people. BENNIE - Well, at least it slowed them down, huh? VINNIE - Not really. While Peter and John was in jail, the Christians had 5000 more converts. BENNIE - (laughs) Talk about stupid. (laughs) BOSS --- What are you laughing about? BENNIE - 5000 people is following a guy who ain't even here no more. Talk about stupid. (laughs) BOSS --- One of them stupid people was my mother. BENNIE - (stops laughing) Oh. Sorry, boss. (Boss grabs Bennie by the collar, lifts him out of his chair) Where you taking me, Boss? BOSS --- (both toward exit) I'm gonna give you deep water swimming lessons with concrete swim fins. This meeting is adjourned. (all exit) ©2007 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.fea.net/bobsnook email: bobsnook@fea.net BACK |