BACK COVENANT 4'2m1f The Lord gave Abram circumcision ABE -- (strolls onstage, rubs belly, speaks over shoulder) That was a delicious lunch, Sarai. SAR -- (enters, sidles up to ABE) So, Abram, wanna go to bed and fool around? ABE -- Sarai, you little dickens. You're acting like a 60-year-old. You're almost 90. SAR -- So, that doesn't mean we can't have a little roll in the hay. ABE -- I'm almost 100 years old. The last time we hit the sack in the middle of the afternoon I forgot why we were there. SAR -- But, I reminded you didn't I, honey? ABE -- Answer the door. SAR -- Nobody knocked. Are you hearing things? ABE -- No, I'm a prophet, remember? LORD -- (knock, knock, knock) SAR -- Oh, yes. (moves toward exit) It's probably just a door to door salesman. I'll get rid of him. Then you and I can have a... ABE -- (bows from waist toward audience) ...Sarai, honey, it's no salesman. SAR -- (moves toward ABE) Abram, honey, are you alright. Shall I get you a Chiropractor? ABE -- There's nothing wrong with my back, Sarai. The man at the door.... That's the Lord God Almighty himself. Bow down. Bow down. SAR -- (bows beside ABE) Abram, honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but someone has to open the door. ABE -- (still bowing and motioning frantically) Yes, yes, alright. Hurry and open the door, then come and bow down here beside me. SAR -- (exiting) Well, alright, but I'll tell you right now, Abram. I'm not as good at this bowing down stuff as you are (reenters immediately, bows next to ABE) Oh, dear. ABE -- What's the matter? SAR -- The house is a mess. What will he think? ABE -- (whispers) Be quiet, let the Lord speak. LORD -- (Enters) Greetings, Abram and Sarai. SAR -- Hi there. Say listen. Abram here says that you're the Lord God Almighty. Is that true? Are you him? LORD -- I am the Lord God Almighty. Walk before me blameless. SAR -- He doesn't ask for much does he? ABE -- Shshshsh. SAR -- Sorry. LORD -- I will confirm my convenant between you and me and I will greatly increase your numbers. SAR -- Abram, do you think a roll in the hay in the middle of the afternoon is blameless? I mean, we ARE married. ABE -- Sarai, be quiet. He's talking. LORD -- Abram, you will no longer be called Abram. You're name will be Abraham. SAR -- After 75 years of calling him Abram, you want me to call him something else? You can't teach an old dog new tricks, you know. ABE -- Sarai, hush. LORD -- And you, Sarai, you will no longer be called Sarai. Your name will be Sarah. SAR -- Can we move this along a little faster? My back is killing me. ABE -- Sarah! SAR -- Well, I'm 90 years old. What do you want from me? LORD -- I will bless you and give you a son. SAR -- (laughs) Did he say I'll have a son? That's very funny. (laughs) ABE -- Sarah, knock it off, you're in the presence of the Lord. SAR -- (laughs) I can't help it. Have you looked at me lately? I have more wrinkles than our dirty laundry and he says I'm going to have a baby. (laughs) ABE -- Sarah, is this any way to honor the Lord, by laughing at him?! SAR -- Okay, okay. I'll stop laughing. (laughs) No, really, I'll stop laughing, right now. (laughs) LORD -- Just for that, you have to call your baby Isaac, which means LAUGHTER. ABE -- Now see what you've done, Sarah! SAR -- He's kidding, isn't he, Abram. You're kidding aren't you, Lord. You wouldn't really hang a name like that on a little kid, would you? ABE -- Sarah! My name is Abraham. And he's not kidding. SAR -- Then, he must be talking about Ishmael, your son by our servant girl, Hagar. He just made a mistake, right? ABE -- The Lord does not make mistakes, Sarah. Now please be quiet. LORD -- Ishmael will give birth to many nations also, but my covenant is not with him. By this time next year, you will have your own baby. SAR -- Sorry, Lord, honey, but we've already tried that. In case you didn't know, I've got bad plumbing. And, in case you haven't noticed, I'm 90 years old. ABE -- Sarah! For crying out loud, be quiet. It's going to be a miracle. SAR -- Boy, I'll say. (laughs) LORD -- As a sign of my covenant with you, you must circumcise every male member of your household. ABE -- circumcise? What's that? SAR -- Let me whisper it in your ear, Abram, honey. (whispers) spspspspspspsp. ABE -- You have to cut the WHAT off my WHAT? SAR -- (laughs) LORD -- (exits quietly) ABE -- Sarah, will you stop laughing! Lord, I apologize for the behavior of my wife. Is there any way we can start over? Lord? (stands upright, looks around) He's gone. Where did he go? SAR -- (stands upright) Well, let's roll up our SLEEVES and get started on the circumcision, shall we? (laughs, pulls Abe toward exit) How do you want to do this, Abram? Shall I take a little off the side? (laughs, both exit) ABE -- (from offstage) Sarah!! ©2007 Bob Snook. 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