ENDOR 5'1m1f King Saul seeks advice from the witch of Endor

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ENDOR    5'1m1f King Saul seeks advice from the witch of Endor

SAUL ----- (Enters, wearing a wide-brimmed hat, crosses to other 
exit, shouts) Hello. Hello. Is anybody home? Hello.

NATASHA -- (steps from wings cautiously, Gypsy clothes, Romanian 
accent) May I hhhhelp you, strrrangerrrr?

SAUL ----- (pulls down brim of hat to conceal his face) Ah, yes, 
ah, I'm told you can tell my fortune.

NATASHA -- I think you have the wrrronG house. I don't do 
forrrtunes.

SAUL ----- But aren't you the witch of Endor?

NATASHA -- Sorrry, darrrlinG, I do manicures and pedicures. Come 
back when you need yourrr nails done. (turns to exit)

SAUL ----- I hate to be a pest, but this IS the town of Endor, 
isn't it? 

NATASHA -- Yeah, it is. But....

SAUL ----- Well, they said the the witch of Endor lives in this 
house. (points to exit) 

NATASHA -- Past tense, darrrlinG. She don't live herrre no 
morrre.

SAUL ----- Please, you have to help me. I need a fortune teller.

NATASHA -- Sorrrry, darrrlinG, but KinG Saul has outlawed 
forrrtune tellerrrs in Isrrrael. Good night. (turns to exit)

SAUL ----- Please, I'm desperate. My God has turned his back on 
me. I have nowhere else to turn.

NATASHA -- (looks both ways) Arrre you trrrying to trrrap me, 
big boy?

SAUL ----- No, I swear. I need guidance. My God won't speak to 
me in dreams or by the prophets anymore. Please help me.

NATASHA -- Alright, darrrling, but if you rrreporrrt me to the 
KinG Saul, I'll... (tries to see his face under his hat) Say, 
big boy, you look a lot like King Saul. Yes... if you werrre 
wearrring rrroyal purrrple rrrobes and gold jewelrrry... Yes... 
you look a lot like King Saul. Sorry, I don't do forrrtunes.  
Good night. (turns to exit)

SAUL ----- Please, just one little fortune?

NATASHA -- Sorry, if you'rrre not herrre to have yourrr nails 
done...

SAUL ----- Please, I'm not King Saul. I just need to have you 
call up the spirits for me. Then, I'll go. I promise, you will 
not be punished for this.

NATASHA -- (looks both ways) Vell, alright, darrrlinG, (crosses 
to DC) I vill call up just one spirrrit forrr you, then you must 
go. Who did you want to speak to?

SAUL ----- Samuel.

NATASHA -- Samuel? The prrrophet Samuel?

SAUL ----- Yes.

NATASHA -- He's dead.

SAUL ----- Well, yes, of course. If he was alive, I wouldn't 
need you. So, can you call up Samuel's spirit for me?

NATASHA -- Yes, darrrlinG, but there vas just the matterrr of my 
fee. Since I am at grrreat perrrsonal rrrisk by doinG this, 
(holds out her hand) I vas thinkinG somewherrre in the 
neighborhood of... (Saul drops a hand full of coins into her 
hand, she counts them) Oooo, now that's a nice neighborhood! 200 
shekels vill be just fine. Come, sit down, darrrlinG. (points 
to tree stump DC) I vas just thinking of cancelling my 
appointments for the rrrest of the night. I know lots of 
spirrrits you could speak to.

SAUL ----- (sits) No, I just need to talk to Samuel.

NATASHA -- (walks around behind him) Very vell, darrrlinG. Let 
me go into my trance and....(spastic gyrations) yoooong anggg..

SAUL ----- (stands, turns) Are you alright?

NATASHA -- I'm fine, darrrlinG. Please sit down, while I go into 
my trance. (makes him sit) I must go through this to bring up 
the spirits... (spastic gyrations) yoooong anggg. (deep, old 
voice) Saul... KinG Saul... vhy do you disturrrb me in my 
grrrave?

SAUL ----- Is that you, Samuel?

NATASHA -- (normal voice, takes off his hat, walks around front, 
shoves the hat at him) So, you ARRRE King Saul. I'm tellinG you, 
(puts coins in Saul's hand, exiting) it's getting so a perrrson 
can't trrrust nobody no morrre. 

SAUL ----- (stands, follows) No, please, you're in no danger. I 
swear. I will personally see to it that noone punishes you for 
this. Please come back. Please?

NATASHA -- (enters, looks both ways) You'rrre surrre?

SAUL ----- You have my word as King of Israel.

NATASHA -- Verrry vell, yourrr majesty, (takes coins from his 
hand, counts them) I vill go back into my trance....(makes him 
sit) Yoooong aaanngg... (deep, old voice) King Saul, you 
schlimeal, Vhat do you vant frrrom me?

SAUL ----- Samuel, I am in great distress. We are about to lose 
our battle against the Philistines. The Lord won't talk to me 
anymore. I need you to tell me what to do to defeat the 
Philistines, just like you used to.

NATASHA -- (deep, old voice) You'll get no help frrrom me, you 
disobedient jerrrk. The Lorrrd has turrrned his back on you 
because you rrrefused to obey his command to wipe out those 
wicked Amalekites. Now you shall sufferrr the consequences. 
Yourrr arrrmy shall be defeated and you and yourrr thrrree son 
shall die in the battle. Now, leave me alone and let me sleep.

SAUL ----- You mean, I'm as good as dead?

NATASHA -- (deep, old voice) Beforrre you die, big boy, the 
least you can do is to give the vitch of Endorrr another 100 
shekels.

SAUL ----- Nice try.

NATASHA -- (regular voice) It vas vorrrth a trrry, no?

SAUL ----- I'm as good as dead.

NATASHA -- Vould you like to go forrr a second opinion? I'm 
rrrunning a special tonight. Buy two spirrrits get one frrree. 
So, who vould you like to talk to? Moses? Abrrraham? Jacob?

SAUL ----- What good would it do? They would just tell me the 
same thing, that I'll die in battle, along with my three sons.
(strokes his chin thoughtfully)

NATASHA -- (pulls out a tape measure, measures across Saul's 
shoulder) As it happens, one of my side businesses is 
underrrtakinG, yourrr majesty. (measures his height) I could 
have ourrr deluxe model casket ready forrr you before your body 
gets cold. (holds out her hand) Let's say, 100 shekels, in 
advance?

SAUL ----- I'm as good as dead. (exits, downcast) 

NATASHA -- (not noticing he's gone) So, for a limited time only, 
ve have a special prrrice, if you orrrderrr now. Let's say, 
fourrr caskets forrr the prrrice of thrrree? That's only thrrree 
hundred shshshs.... (looks around) Where did he go? (exits, 
shaking head) Thought I had him.


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