BACK GIDEON 6'2m0f Gideon rides a cab to conquer the Midianites ( SCENE: Four chairs arranged to look like the inside of a car. CABBIE with one hand on the wheel has a cigarette suspended from the corner of his mouth. ) GIDEON -- (Enters meekly, tentatively, raises hand) Taxi, taxi. CABBIE -- Where to, Mack? (opens imaginary door) GIDEON -- (Struggles into the back seat with a huge clay jar) The name's Gideon. Take me to Jezreel, and hurry. CABBIE -- Hey, ain't there a Midianite encampment out there? GIDEON -- Yeah, that's where I m going. CABBIE -- (Slams on the brake; they both lurch forward) Not in my cab you're not! Those guys eat people like us for lunch. GIDEON -- Well, actually I'm not going right into the encampment. I'm meeting some friends of mine on Mt. Gilead. CABBIE -- Well, alright. (Steps on the gas; they both lurch back) Say, what are you and your friends gonna do way out there, anyway? GIDEON -- (Sheepishly) We're going to conquer the Midianites and Amalekites. CABBIE -- What?! I read in the paper there's over 100,000 Midianites and Amalekites out there. How many soldiers you got? GIDEON -- (Sheepishly) 300. CABBIE -- (Laughs) Well, I hope you're heavily insured, because those guys are gonna squash you like a bug! GIDEON -- Well, these aren't your average 300 guys. I handpicked them myself. CABBIE -- You! You mean you're their leader?! GIDEON -- Yeah, what's wrong with that? CABBIE -- (Laughs) You don't even look like a soldier, let alone an officer. What's your rank? GIDEON -- Well, you're right. I'm not really a soldier. God chose me to lead the attack. CABBIE -- God?! You mean, as in the Lord God Almighty? GIDEON -- Yes. CABBIE -- So the all-wise, all-knowing God of the universe chose you, huh? GIDEON -- Yes. CABBIE -- (Laughs) Where'd he find you, anyway? Under a rock? GIDEON -- In a wine press, actually. CABBIE -- Stomping grapes, were you? GIDEON -- Uh, no. Actually I was threshing wheat. CABBIE -- Threshing. That's where you throw the wheat up in the air and the wind blows away what you don't want, right? GIDEON -- Yeah, that's right. CABBlE -- But there's no wind down in a wine press ... GIDEON -- Well, at least the Midianites couldn't see me there and steal my wheat. CABBIE -- Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're telling me God Almighty needed someone to whip the Midianites, so He picks some guy who's so afraid he's hiding out in a hole in the ground? GIDEON -- Yeah, that's about right. CABBIE -- So, I guess the next thing you're gonna tell me is that you're one of those religious fanatics on a suicide bombing mission. (Slams on the brakes, they both lurch forward) Alright, what's in the flower pot? GIDEON -- Huh? Oh, a torch and a trumpet. (Shows the trumpet and torch) CABBIE -- (Laughs) What're you gonna do, play them to death? (Steps on the gas, they both lurch back, horn blows, CABBIE looks to the left) Same to you, Mack! GIDEON -- No, it's part of God's plan to conquer the Midianites and Amalekites. We light our torches, cover them with the flower pots, then we surround the Midianites and Amalekites, and at exactly the right time, we all blow our trumpets and break the flower pots. The big noise draws their attention. Then, when they see 300 torches surrounding the camp and think there's 300 legions of soldiers surrounding them. Then, according to plan, the Midianites will run around in a state of confusion, pick up their swords and start killing one another. CABBIE -- You gotta be kidding me, Mack! GIDEON -- Uh, the name's Gideon.. CABBIE -- Fella, where'd you get 300 gonzos to volunteer for a scheme like that? GIDEON -- I placed a casting call in Variety for "a few good men". CABBIE -- Oh, I read about that in the Times--largest casting call ever. 32,000 guys showed up. So you're that Gideon. GIDEON -- Yeah, but most of the guys were out-of-work dancers. As soon as they found out it wasn't a musical, they scampered on home. And that left 10,000 men. CABBIE -- Hey, 10,000 is a lot better than 300. What happened to the others? GIDEON -- Oh, they didn't pass the test. CABBIE -- What test? GIDEON -- Well, I took them down to the river and told them to drink. 9,700 of them just pushed their faces into the water and sucked up the water, real macho, you know? I dismissed them right away. CABBIE -- Why? Didn't you want method actors? GIDEON -- Not necessarily. I just had to cut the number to 300. And that's exactly how many drank by dipping their hands in the water and drinking out of their hands. CABBIE -- Sounds like you got a bunch of sissies to me. GIDEON -- No, they'll be just fine. CABBIE -- Well, I don't know if I'd like to go into battle with 300 sissies and no weapons. Sounds like suicide to me. GIDEON -- This is what God said to do. This is what I'll do. CABBIE -- Well, it's your neck, Mack. GIDEON -- Please hurry, I have to be there by the second watch of the night. CABBIE -- Say, it's a long way out to Mount Gilead. The last guy I took out there paid 32 bucks plus tip. I hope you got the cash. GIDEON -- If you charged him 32 dollars, then you must have taken him all the way up to the Triborough Bridge instead of using the Mount Gilead cutoff. I know what it costs to get out there, and I brought exactly 19 dollars with me. CABBIE -- (slams on brakes; they both lurch forward) Oh, no! Think you're pretty clever, don't you? Well, yeah, normally 19 bucks would get you out there--but I'm talking hazardous duty pay here. Just 'cause some nut climbs into my cab and says God told him to go get creamed doesn't mean I gotta drive him there for free. It's the end of the line for you, Mack. Out. GIDEON -- Oh, dear. (Gets out of cab) CABBIE -- Look, Mack... GIDEON -- It's Gideon. CABBIE -- Yeah, okay, why don't you take my advice, "Gideon", and give up this harebrained scheme? Why don't you do something easy like placing Bibles in hotel rooms. (Lights out) ©2007 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.fea.net/bobsnook email: bobsnook@fea.net BACK |