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TWOSPIES 9'1m2f Rahab protects two Hebrew spies in Jericho

(all characters wear tunics and sandals)

SAM -- (enters wearing a fedora with unlit cigarette in mouth,
crosses strolling, to audience) The name is Spade. Sam Spade.
I'm a private investigator. In fact, I'm the world's greatest
private investigator. I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing
here in Jericho. It seems that two million Hebrews have come out
of the desert after forty years and are assembling on the other
side of the Jordan River and are about to conquer the land of
Canaan. I figured that Jericho, being the most highly fortified
city in Canaan, would protect me from the attack. But,
apparently, I wasn't the only one. Thousands of people have
jammed the city trying to get some protection from the coming
attack.

WIFE -- (enters opposite) Are you the private dick?

SAM -- The name is Spade. Sam Spade. I'm a private investigator.
In fact, I'm the world's greatest...

WIFE -- ...Save it. You've got the job. (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) See what happens when your the world's
greatest private eye? I just get into town and already they've
heard of my great reputation. (to Wife) Well, as luck would have
it, I just wrapped up my last case. What did you have in mind?

WIFE -- My husband wants you to find two spies.

SAM -- Your husband?

WIFE -- My husband is the sheriff of Jericho.

SAM -- Then why not let the cops handle it?

WIFE -- He wants to keep the investigation low key. He doesn't
want to cause a panic.

SAM -- A panic? How could two spies cause a panic?

WIFE -- These two spies are HEBREWS.

SAM -- (shouts) Hebrews!

WIFE -- (claps hand over Sam's mouth, looks both ways) Shshshs!
What are you trying to do, cause a panic?!

SAM -- (pulls hand away, whispers) You mean there are Hebrews
INSIDE the city walls -- here in Jericho?

WIFE -- Yes.

SAM -- (backs away) I just remembered: I have another case to
solve.

WIFE -- (pulls money pouch from waistband, jingles coins) Maybe
this will change your mind. (freezes)

SAM -- (stops, to audience) As you probably know, I didn't
really have another case to solve. As a matter of fact, moving
here to Jericho made me penniless. (to Wife) Well, I suppose I
could reshuffle my schedule in order to fulfill my patriotic
duty.

WIFE -- Save it. I know you're in it for the money.

SAM -- (smiles to audience, to wife) HOW MUCH money are we
talking about?

WIFE -- Sixty drachmas. (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) Watch and learn how the world's greatest
private eye negotiates. (to Wife) Right, that's sixty drachmas
per day.

WIFE -- Sixty drachmas total.

SAM -- One hundred.

WIFE -- Sixty.

SAM -- Seventy-five.

WIFE -- Sixty. Take it or leave it. (freezes)

SAM -- Alright sixty. (shrugs to audience) Listen, negotiation
is an art, not a science. I'm flat broke. What do you want me to
do? (to wife) I just have ONE requirement.

WIFE -- I'm listening.

SAM -- I'll find the spies for you, but the sheriff has to
capture them.

WIFE -- Good. (turns to exit) Get to work.

SAM -- (follows) Wait a minute! The money?

WIFE -- (stops, turns) When we get the spies, you get the money.
(exits) Get to work!

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) Lesson number one when
you're looking for spies: Spies are strangers. And where do
strangers hangout so they won't stand out? The red light
district. Strangers, especially foreign spies would fit right in
with the rest of the weirdos there.

RAHAB -- (enters backward, looks left and right)

SAM -- Hey, there, dollface!

RAHAB -- (gasps, turns, calms self) Well, hello there. How may I
serve you?

SAM -- What's your name, dollface?

RAHAB -- Rahab. My name is Rahab.

SAM -- Goes with the accent.

RAHAB -- Accent? What accent?

SAM -- Rahab means Egypt. And you have an Egyptian accent. Are
you from Egypt?

RAHAB -- As a matter of fact, I am. How about you? I haven't
seen you around here before. You from out of town?

SAM -- Yeah. I'm from Jerusalem. Came to Jericho to get
protection from the Hebrews when they invade.

RAHAB -- (looks left and right) Oh, really?

SAM -- I understand the Hebrews came out of Egypt about forty
years ago. I'll bet some of them still speak your language.

RAHAB -- I... I wouldn't know.

SAM -- So, you haven't seen any of them?

RAHAB -- Any of who?

SAM -- The Hebrews. We were talking about the Hebrews.

RAHAB -- (looks left and right) The Hebrews? Me? Oh, ah, no. The
Hebrews are across the Jordan River. You can see them from here.
(points to audience back wall)

SAM -- (looks) So you can! Nice view you have here. Prime real
estate.

RAHAB -- Not really. It's the only place they would let us...
you know....

SAM -- I'm not sure I know what you mean.

RAHAB -- The sheriff doesn't want the red light district people
to mix with the respectable people of Jericho, so they made us
build our houses up here on top of the city walls. (looks both
ways)

SAM -- You seem a little nervous. Are you nervous about
something?

RAHAB -- Me? No. (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) This is what sets the good detectives apart
from the great detectives. This woman is hiding something. I
think I'll put a little pressure on. (to Rahab) You know, Rahab,
if I was a Hebrew spy and I wanted to blend in with the weirdos,
I'd come up here to the red light district.

RAHAB -- You would? (looks both ways)

SAM -- Yes, I would. And you know what? If I was a really good
Hebrew spy I'd want to seek a local who speaks a foreign
language, so that when we talk, nobody else would be able to
understand what we're saying.

RAHAB -- You would? (looks both ways)

SAM -- Yes, I would. And you know what? If I was a really,
really good Hebrew spy I would seek out a relationship with a
person who lives way up here on top of the wall where I have a
clear view of the Hebrew encampment way over there (points), so
that I could signal my fellow Hebrews with lanterns at night and
tell them about the weakness of Jericho's defenses.

RAHAB -- You would? (looks both ways)

SAM -- Yes. And you know another advantage of being up here?

RAHAB -- What's that?

SAM -- If the sheriff came searching for the Hebrew spies, a
person could hide those spies up on top of the roof and noone
could see them up there. Because these are the only houses in
Jericho where people can't see what's on your roof.

RAHAB -- (looks both ways) I suppose your right.

SAM -- Are you nervous about something?

RAHAB -- Me? No. (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) You see, a little pressure applied in just
the right way and this woman is putty in my hands. Less than two
hours of leg-work and I'm already about to be sixty drachmas
richer. Sheer Genius! (to Rahab) So, my little Egyptian friend,
if I was to tell the sheriff to look on top of your roof, what
might he find there?

RAHAB -- Nothing.

SAM -- Sure.

RAHAB -- Send him up there if you want to. There's nothing up
there except a pile of flax. (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) That tinkling sound you hear is sixty
drachmas slipping through my fingers. (to Rahab) Where are they?

RAHAB -- They're gone.

SAM -- What do you mean they're gone?!

RAHAB -- I mean they were here, but now they're gone.

SAM -- When did they go?

RAHAB -- You walked right by them on your way here.

SAM -- You mean I SAW them?!

RAHAB -- Like you said. They fit right in here.

SAM -- So, you DID hide them on your roof?

RAHAB -- Yes.

SAM -- And they did choose you because you spoke Egyptian?

RAHAB -- And because they could signal their camp from here.

SAM -- And you let me go on and on about them so they could have
plenty of time to get out of the gate. And by now they're
probably on their way back across the river.

RAHAB -- No. I told them to hide in the countryside for two
days. The sheriff will probably have cops posted down by the
river for the next couple of days.

SAM -- You know, you just cost me...

BOTH -- Sixty Drachmas.

SAM -- How did you know?

RAHAB -- This is the red light district. If you want to know
anything, you come to the red light district.

SAM -- So, you knew I was...

RAHAB -- You're Sam Spade, the world's greatest private eye.

SAM -- So, you knew I was working for the sheriff.

RAHAB -- Yes.

SAM -- And how do you know I won't tell the sheriff where to
look for the spies?

RAHAB -- Because I have something that's more valuable than
sixty-drachmas.

SAM -- What's that?

RAHAB -- Your life.

SAM -- (back away) You mean, you're going to kill me if I tell?

RAHAB -- I mean, if you don't tell, I'll make sure that the
Hebrews won't kill you when they conquer Jericho.

SAM -- So, the Hebrews are definitely going to attack?!

RAHAB -- Yes. Yes, but the spies promised me that anyone inside
my house when the Hebrews come into the city won't be killed.

SAM -- So, you're inviting little-old-me into your house?

RAHAB -- Don't get your hopes up. One of the spies is named
Salmon. He promised to marry me after the Hebrews conquer the
promised land. (exits)

SAM -- Oh. (to audience) So, there you have it. I lost my
sixty-drachma fee, but at least I'll survive the attack.
(follows) Say, I wonder if the Hebrews could use a good private
eye.

©2007 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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