BACK FAIRNESS 8'?m3f Homosexual marriage: a matter of fairness? (scene: a courtroom, can be a podium only) JUDGE -- (enters, crosses to bench, pounds gavel) This court will come to order. The next case is the class action law suit of Matilda Partridge et al versus the state. Are the attorneys for both parties present? DEFENSE -- (enters, crossing to bench) Defense counsel is present, Your Honor. I represent the Attorney General's office. PARTRIDGE -- (enters opposite carrying bird cage, crossing to bench) My name is Matilda Partridge and I will be representing the bird lovers in this litigation, Your Honor. (for the remainder of the skit, coos, air-kisses and whispers quietly and affectionately at bird cage between lines) JUDGE -- Ms Partridge, as complainant, you may state your case against the state. PARTRIDGE -- Thank you, Your Honor. As you may know, we bird lovers have been trying to pass legislation making it legal for bird lovers to marry their birds, but to no avail... JUDGE -- ...Excuse me. Did you say you want to MARRY your bird? PARTRIDGE -- Yes, of course. But the closed-minded right-wing, Christians have poisoned the minds of the American citizens making justice and equality impossible for bird lovers. As a result, we bird lovers are asking the courts to legislate from the bench as they have done in other civil rights cases. It's simply a matter of fairness. JUDGE -- Defense counsel, how do you answer these charges? DEFENSE -- Your Honor, this law suit in no way resembles a civil rights case, because there is no discrimination of any kind against bird lovers, let alone UNFAIR discrimination. PARTRIDGE -- Antibird bigot! JUDGE -- Ms Partridge. Such outbursts will not be tolerated in this courtroom. PARTRIDGE -- I'm sorry, your honor, but when you've been discriminated against for as long as we bird lovers have been, you become chafed by the obvious bigotry. DEFENSE -- Objection, the complainant is assuming facts not in evidence. PARTRIDGE -- ...trying to ram your values down our throats. JUDGE -- Defense counsel is correct, Ms Partridge. In this court we cannot just assume that there is discrimination merely because you feel discriminated against. You must submit evidence relating to your charge. The defendant, in this case the government, is assumed innocent until proven guilty. What evidence do you have that bird lovers are being discriminated against? PARTRIDGE -- Well, it's just as obvious as the nose on your face, Your Honor! We bird lovers are being deprived of our civil right to equal treatment under the law. JUDGE -- Counselor? DEFENSE -- Your Honor, the law is not preventing Matilda Partridge or any other bird lover from marrying. She may marry any human being of the opposite sex just like the rest of us. As a matter of fact, some bird lovers have chosen to exercise their right to marry. JUDGE -- Ms Partridge? PARTRIDGE -- Your Honor, defense counsel's bias against bird lovers is so obvious that it makes me nauseous. What a lack of tolerance! JUDGE -- Counselor? DEFENSE -- Your Honor, this kind of rhetoric may work on TV talk shows, but it has no place in the courtroom. Militant bird lover organizations have a stated policy concerning public discourse that they will label anyone who disagrees with them as an intolerant bigot. Name calling is not evidence. JUDGE -- Defense counsel is right, Ms Partridge. Ad Hominem attacks are not evidence. What evidence do you have that the government marriage regulations discriminate against bird lovers? PARTRIDGE -- Well, it's so patently obvious, Your Honor! Excluding bird lovers from the marriage contract is mean-spirited hate-mongering by religious inquisitors who quote scripture even while they burn bird lovers at the stake and turn the screw of the rack to draw more blood and screams, and hammer nails into countless bodies on numberless crosses in order to murder the human spirit. JUDGE -- Counselor? DEFENSE -- Your Honor, these emotional appeals are very touching. But they are not evidence. The fact is that noone is stopping bird lovers from loving their birds. And if they want to make vows of fidelity toward their birds, noone is stopping them. I challenge the complainant to name a single right in the Bill of Rights that we are violating by failing to make such a marriage legal. JUDGE -- Ms Partridge? PARTRIDGE -- You can marry anyone you want to. We just want the same right. JUDGE -- Counselor, aren't you going to object to that answer as non-responsive? DEFENSE -- No, Your Honor, I'd like to answer the argument. The fact is we CANNOT marry ANYONE we want to. I cannot marry my sister or my brother. I cannot marry my son or my daughter. I cannot marry my father or my mother. In most jurisdictions I cannot even marry my first cousin. And if I am already married, I cannot marry a second person, no matter how much I love him. Would the complainant like to allow people to marry their children? PARTRIDGE -- No! That's perverted! DEFENSE -- Then, you admit that we should have SOME limits on who we are allowed to marry? PARTRIDGE -- No. I changed my mind. You can marry anybody you want to, as long as I can marry my bird. JUDGE -- Counselor? DEFENSE -- Your Honor, in the case of Jones versus Hallahan, the U.S. Supreme Court said, (reads) "Marriage was a custom long before the state commenced to issue licenses for that purpose. In all cases, marriage has always been considered as the union of a man and a woman, and we have been presented with no authority to the contrary." The fact is, Your Honor, if the marriage contract ceases to include only a man and a woman it ceases to be marriage. PARTRIDGE -- Bigot! Birdophobe! JUDGE -- Birdophobe?! Ms Partridge! PARTRIDGE -- It's as much a civil right as equality of races. Rosa Parks did not sit in the back of the bus and neither will we! JUDGE -- Counselor? DEFENSE -- Your Honor, Rosa Parks was discriminated against because of the color of her skin. The bird lovers are trying to make the choosing of a lover on the same par with skin color. PARTRIDGE -- Exactly. What's your point? DEFENSE -- My point is that until recently, choosing a bird as a lover was considered an immoral act. Is the complainant advocating the licensing of other immoral acts? PARTRIDGE -- Yes, as long as it will allow me to marry my bird. DEFENSE -- How about theft? How about assault? How about murder? These are immoral acts. Why not license them too? PARTRIDGE -- Well, that's different. DEFENSE -- How are they different? PARTRIDGE -- I don't know. They just are. We bird lovers don't hurt anybody. DEFENSE -- I'm not so sure about that. PARTRIDGE -- What do you mean? JUDGE -- That's a good question, Counselor. Would there be harm to society if bird lovers were allowed to marry their birds? DEFENSE -- Diseases transmitted between partners among bird lovers is as high as 80% in some bird-lover populations. PARTRIDGE -- Oh, that. DEFENSE -- Licensing marriage to birds is legalizing a disease-producing immoral act. Is that what we want our public law to advocate? PARTRIDGE -- Birdophobe! Don't try to impose your values on us! JUDGE -- Ms Partridge, please, save your opinions for closing arguments! (to Defense) Closing arguments, Counselor? DEFENSE -- Allowing people to marry their birds is not about equality or fairness. It's all about giving legitimacy and acceptability to a disease-producing immoral act. These bird lovers have tried unsuccessfully to pass laws licensing their immoral and unhealthy behavior. And now they are asking you to legislate it from the bench. The question really is, who is trying to impose their values on whom? JUDGE -- Closing arguments, Ms Partridge? PARTRIDGE -- I have no closing arguments, your honor. I just want to marry my bird. It's a matter of fairness and equality. (coos at cage) JUDGE -- Ms Partridge, during this entire trial that bird hasn't moved a muscle. PARTRIDGE -- Yes, so? JUDGE -- So, that bird looks dead! PARTRIDGE -- It IS dead. So? JUDGE -- You want to marry a dead bird? PARTRIDGE -- Sure, why not? Oh, I suppose you want to deprive me of fairness and equality just because he's dead! JUDGE -- We've got to draw the line somewhere. Case dismissed. (pounds gavel) This court is adjourned. (pounds gavel, exits with Defense) PARTRIDGE -- (follows) Oh, sure, you're just like all the other narrow-minded bigots. You're just as mean-spirited and closed-minded as those intolerant, right-wing Christian hate-mongers. You birdophobe! You necrophobe! ©2007 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.fea.net/bobsnook email: bobsnook@fea.net BACK |