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REMOTE   3'2m1f A time machine vs the Holy Spirit

VAL -- This is your science editor, Valerie Hiteck, reporting
live from the laboratory of a man who claims to have
invented an electronic replacement for the Holy Spirit.

CAL -- Why rely on the Holy Spirit, when all you have to do I
push a button?

VAL -- And your name is....

CAL -- Dr Calvin Claptrap. Would you like to see how it works?

VAL -- Well, yes, of course. Your invention looks like a
television remote control.

CAL -- A VCR remote control, actually.

VAL -- Oh, really.

CAL -- Yes, I started with an ordinary VCR remote control.
But I replaced the ordinary control logic with my new
superhetradyne temporal displacement logic integrated
circuits. 

VAL -- Uh huh.

CAL -- Then, I replaced the ordinary infrared wireless remote
transmission circuit with my exclusive turbo-charged
matter-energy interchange transmitter.

VAL -- Yes, well, ....but what does it do?

CAL -- By bending the time-energy continuum, the energy-matter
continuum and the matter-time continuum, we can
reverse the flow of time. It's amazing!

VAL -- So, you have essentially invented a time machine?

CAL -- No. I doubt that anyone can do all that Joules Verne
stuff and transport people back in time. But what I can
do with this amazing invention is reverse the flow of
time.

VAL -- You can make time go backward?

CAL -- Essentially. But, due to heat build-up in the control
unit we can only reverse time for a few seconds at a
time, then we must restore time to its normal forward 
flow. Let me demonstrate.

Hal --(Enters, passes by Val and Cal, puts cigarette in his
mouth, pats his pockets for a match, shrugs, begins to
exit, then Cal pushes a button, Hal walks backward,
reversing his gestures until Cal pushes another button,
Hal goes forward again, repeats the gestures, exits.)

CAL -- Amazing, no?

VAL -- Well, it is quite an accomplishment, but what does this
have to do with the work of the Holy Spirit?

CAL -- Again, let me demonstrate. Suppose we want to break
our friend of his filthy habit. Instead of getting
down on our knees and then waiting for God's timing,
all we have to do is push a button.

Hal --(Enters, passes by Val and Cal, puts cigarette in his
mouth, pats his pockets for a match, shrugs, begins to
exit, then Cal smacks him with a baseball bat, pushes a
button, Hal walks backward, reversing his gestures
until Cal pushes another button)

CAL -- Let's see if he changes his behavior if he knows what
will happen next.

Hal --(Goes forward again, but instead of putting a cigarette
in his mouth, he eyes Cal, throws cigarette over his
shoulder, exits.)

CAL -- Have we broken new ground or what?!

VAL -- Well, it worked once. But, is it a permanent behavior
change?

CAL -- Of course.

VAL -- Push the button. Bring him back here, let's see if he'd
choose the same behavior again.

CAL -- Oh, the theoretical time limit has passed. If I push
the button now, the controller could overheat. There's
no telling what could happen.

VAL -- Ladies and gentlemen, you've just witnessed a gadget
with limited potential. Now back to the studi...

CAL -- Alright, I'll try it!

(Aims the remote control at Hal offstage, Hal enters
backward, repeats his actions in reverse, then, when
Cal pushes button again, Hal repeatedly tries to throw
the cigarette over his shoulder, but can't. Panicked,
Cal punches the remote control frantically and
repeatedly. Finally, Hal throws the cigarette over his
shoulder, picks up the bat, smacks Cal over the head,
exits, Cal exits opposite, rubbing his head)

VAL -- This is your science editor, Valerie Hiteck, and I
would still rather rely on the Holy Spirit.


©2007 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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