BACK SNAKEOIL 6'3m3f Televangelist sells everything but salvation (stage hands set up the stage with podium and arbor) ANNOUNCER - Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you and I have the privilege of participating in a rare event. We will be part of the taping of a pilot for a regular Sunday morning television series which combines the Gospel with down-to-earth, practical, everyday living. Although there may be a few changes when sponsors and writers negotiate the final format of the show ... DIRECTOR - Tape is rolling. Quiet on the set, please. (lights dim to dark) ANNOUNCER - (Breathy, deep voiced, overennunciating) Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for inspiration on dental care. And here with today's inspiring message is the world's foremost expert on gospel dentistry is Dr. Oral Hygiene. (cue choir music) Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Hygiene's SERMON ON THE MOUTH (applause sign on, lights up on the podium, Oral enters thru the arbor and the music fades, applause sign off) ORAL - Thankya, brothas 'n sistas. It's a reeyall pleszha bein' heya taday. Taday, I feel compelled ta tolk abaut the sinista menace that is pervadin, awa saciety in this day and ajja ... Brothas and sistas the Lowad wonts ayew ta hayav calean teeth. VOICES - (in the audience, all delivering these lines at once) Clean teeth, yassa. Praise the lowad, clean teeth. Amen to that, brotha. ORAL - Brothas an' sistas, the Lowad wonts ayew ta hayav hayellthey gums. VOICES - Yessa, heyaltha gums. Praise the lowad, heyaltha gums. Amen to that, brotha. ORAL - Brothas an' sistas, the lowad wonts ayew ta hayav fareyesh breyeth. VOICES - Yessa, fareyesh bareyeth. Praise the lowad, fareyesh bareyeth. Amen to that, brotha. ORAL - Brothas an' sistas, the devil is in owa miyidst. An' he is cows@n vs ta sin Wea.nowat taokin' about 'bout sins of omission, lak @ogittin' ta brush ayafta ever' meyall. VOICES - Not jus' thayat, nosa. Afta ever' meyal, loadamoty. Tell lem revernd. ORAL - Brothas an' sistas wea not jus' tokin' baut fogittin' ta floss bataween yol teeth ever' day. VOICES - Not jus' thayat, nosa. Ever' day, loadamoty. Tell lem revernd. ORAL - We ain't tokin lbaut eatin' bataween meyall snayaks, though the lowad don't smoll on that sota thang. VOICES - Not jus' thayat, nosa. 'Tween meyal snaks, loadamoty. Tell lem revernd. ORAL - Taday, brothas an' sistas, wea tokin' baut the peril Paul spoke of in heehiz second letta ta the Mexucuns... (pauses, opens his bible) Chapta 2 an' vars seeyix. "The wagus a' eatin' HALAPENYA PEPPAS is HALATOSIS." VOICES - Loady, not hallatosis. Halatosis, amen. The devil hizsef, peppas. ORAL - Brothas an' sistas, from resunt trayunslations ol the Kankune scrolls, the ancient Greek woid, "HALATOSIS" means bayud brayuth. VOICES - Loady, not bayud brayud brayuth. Bayud brayuth, whut's theyus world comin ta. The devil hizsef, bayud brayuth. ORAL - Sistas, um tokin ta yau specifically naw. Sistas, lissun ta theyus ... (pauses) ... Leyups thayut touch HALAPENYA PEPPAS weyul neva touch mine. VOICES - Oh, the thought of it. Load, save us from seyun. Neva touch mine, nosa. ORAL - Ya know, brotha an' sistas, the lowad kin eat anathin' he wonts. Voice Anathin', yassa. ORAL - But, do ya thank fowa won momunt thayat the Lowad would breth lof inta ADAM an' EVE afta eatin' HALAPENYA PEPPAS?! VOICES - Nosa, not the Lowad. Neva, no chance. The lowad would neva do that. ORAL - Da yaoo think foa a momunt thayet Mara Magdulun wood keyis the fayt ol the Lowad with the smayell ol HALAPENYA PEPPAS on har brayeth? VOICES - Not Mara Magdulun, nosa. She would neva do thayet. Certainla naut. ORAL - Fowatunatela, brothas and sistas, theya is salvation from theyis dredud problum. And heya is sista Jimma Sue ta tayell ya abaut ut. Jimma Sue? JIMMIE SUE - Frayunds, the salvation theyat brotha Oral wuz toakin' abayot is a neeyew antaceptuc called PRAISE. (Holds up the bottle) Frayunds, this anatceptuc iyuz pawurful enuff ta keyull germs and fat bayud brayuth, evun bayud brayuth cozed ba HALAPENYA PEPPAS. Whayun yau hayuv a cold owa flew, PRAISE weyull cleyur yer sanusuz. Applad ayafta shampooin', PRAISE will control dandruff an, lice. Minny congragashins use PRAISE ta control algae in thur BAPTISTRY. Dispensed frum a sproy bottle, PRAISE will clean mold from yer bathtub toll an' chase flees from yer livin' room corpit. Farmers kin use PRAISE in thur chikin coops ta pravent mites an' POLE EVUL. Frayunds, thurs a mullion and one usus fer PRAISE antaceptuk. You'd expect ta pay up ta $20 a gallun fowa this fan product if ya could buy it in tha stower. But, ya cain't buy ut iyun tha stower. PRAISE iyuz awer free gift ta yew. And heyas ole yew dew ta git yer free geyift. Ya know frayunds, the lowad wonts yew ta suppaut Dr. Hagene's television ministra. The Lowad wonts yew ta seyund Dr. Hagene a luv geyuft eyun tha mayell taday. Frayunds, if yew seyund Dr. Hagene a luv geyuft of $15 owa mowa, weyull seyund yew a quot ol PRAISE antaceptuk absolutela frey. An' freyunds, eyuf eyew sayund Dr. Hagene a luv geyuft ol thurta dollas owa mora, weyull seyund yew a gallon ol PRAISE antaceptuk absolutela frey. Git aut yer cheyuk boowuks noaw an' make aut yer check ta ORAL HAGENE, 666 Avenue of the Money Changers, Pharasee, California, 92666. An' freyunds, thank yew fer yer suppowut. Naw, bayak ta Dr. Hagene. ORAL - Wull, thayuts oll the tom we hayuv fer nayo, brothas an' sistas. so, in closin', a jest wont ta ramand yew thayat PRAISE antaceptuk mauth worsh was proficied in the Bable... eyun the buk a PSALMS (reads) "Open thau ar leyups and ower mauths shall show forth thy PRAISE" (holds up the bottle) (lights out, cue choir music) ANNOUNCER - Stay tuned to this station as the practical gospel hour continues with GOSPEL DOG OBEDIENCE. Dr Billy Leash repeats his favorite sermon: "Just a closer walk with your dog" (lights up on podium) BILLY - (reaching out) Heeyull ... Heyull. (lights out) ANNOUNCER - Following immediately after this message from our sponsor. ©2007 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.fea.net/bobsnook email: bobsnook@fea.net BACK |